


The Knife of Regret

by junko



Series: Curse of the Nue [15]
Category: Bleach
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-14
Updated: 2012-08-14
Packaged: 2017-11-12 04:21:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/486624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junko/pseuds/junko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Byakuya realizes how much he's hurt Renji; Zabimaru makes his opinion of Byakuya quite clear....</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Knife of Regret

Renji had lied. That much was absolutely clear to Byakuya, but the question remained: _why_?

Byakuya had asked Renji directly about this several minutes ago, as they sat together over dinner. It was a strange thing to have lied about. The whole thing revolved around a simple hakuda demonstration from the Seventh, for which they would exchange one on kidō–yet Renji had told Iba that Byakuya refused to participate. Why would he do that? Especially, when Byakuya had, in fact, agreed quite easily? Was this some kind of misplaced desire to protect Byakuya's honor? Knowing, as Renji did, how much he hated performing in public, fighting with no real opponent?

Or was it something else?

“Renji, I asked you a question.”

Renji continued to stare at the fried oysters on the plate in front of him, frowning at the food for a long time. Finally, he looked up, and said gruffly, “Sex. Alright? It’s about sex. I don’t want you tying me up in front of a crowd, okay? Especially not with kidō. It’s awkward,” he shook his head, as though at some memory. “Fuck me. What if it turns me on?”

Byakuya hid his smile behind the tea bowl. “For heaven’s sake, Renji, why didn’t you say so earlier?”

Renji turned to stare at the door, as if worried someone might come bursting in and destroy the privacy of the moment. “Because,” he snarled. “It’s embarrassing.”

“So is discovering that you’d rather lie to Iba than speak to me,” Byakuya said, setting the tea bowl down. “You’ve made me look foolish.”

Renji’s eyelids dropped, trembling just a little, as though he were… afraid. His jaw flexed and he seemed to try to shrug it off. “I guess I didn’t think that part through,” his voice caught just a little as he added quickly, “Sorry, Taicho.”

Byakuya watched his lieutenant for a moment, noticing the fact that for once, it was Renji unwilling to meet his gaze. Byakuya was stabbed by a small knife of regret. He disliked even this small amount of cowering from Renji. It didn’t suit him.

Not at all.

“It’s no matter,” Byakuya said sharply, angry at them both for this uncomfortable tension that hung between them. “We’ll simply accept the loss of opportunity. I’ll approach Suì-Féng. Her hakuda is unparalleled, and it’s unlikely she’ll request a corresponding demonstration from us. You’ll be spared your… embarrassment.”

Renji nodded, but he was still watching his plate. He seemed to be breathing shallowly, and he hadn’t touched his food.

“Is there something else?” Byakuya asked, frowning slightly. “Is something troubling you?”

“What? No, I’m fine,” he said.

_Another lie._

Byakuya knew he should have requested sake instead of tea with dinner. Renji was still not over the other night, and clearly still needed something to smooth the rough edges.

As much as Byakuya hated to acknowledge it, it was clear Renji was not the same without Zabimaru at his side.

Though, at least being without his zanpaktō had made Renji inventive in the practice yard. The division was learning a lot of techniques beyond zanjitsu. Renji seemed intent on making kidō a part of daily training, and had even gone to great lengths to identify squad members whose skills went well-beyond anyone’s ability to train further and who might benefit from a direct mentorship with Byakuya—a sort of highly specialized combat kidō corps. Likewise, he’d separated out those with little to no kidō like himself, for more hand-to-hand and sword work.

Byakuya had never expected this kind of thinking from Renji. It was a phenomenally creative idea.

Moreover, it would give the Sixth an edge in the battlefield to have mini units within the division focusing on completely different styles and combat methods. In the absence of Zabimaru, Renji seemed to be throwing himself into work, with very positive results. Byakuya couldn’t be more pleased with how Renji performed within the Division.

Too bad the opposite seemed to be true in the bedroom.

Being without Zabimaru did not lead to more inventiveness there. In fact, it seemed difficult for Renji to muster much enthusiasm to even stay the night any more. He was forever glancing at the door, as if planning an escape.

Then there were the little flinches, the lowered gaze, the… _cowering_.

Byakuya was beginning to hate that.

He was starting to regret how hard he’d come down on Renji in the alley. It had seemed necessary at the time, and, it had, at least, contained the demon. There’d been no glimmer of the demon in Renji’s eyes for days.

If he’d destroyed that, it would be worth it.

However….

Byakuya glanced at Renji again. His lieutenant seemed to finally be eating a little. The oysters were very good; it was surprising how long Renji had been able to resist them. Seeing him like this, enjoying his food in that barbaric way he had, made Byakuya smile. It made him want Renji to stay the night--they didn't even need to do anything, it would just be nice for them to be together again. 

With Rukia in the guardhouse facing execution, Byakuya found he hated being alone, especially at night when he… desperately needed arms around him, someone to ground him, hold him close, lie and tell him everything would be okay.

If he had to lie about something, why couldn’t Renji lie about that? That was the kind of lie Byakuya wanted to hear right now, the sweet nothings of comfort....

Byakuya opened his mouth to ask if Renji could find it in his heart to stay this once, just as Renji glanced at the door again.

“If you have somewhere else to be, lieutenant…” Byakuya said instead, not quite able to give Renji permission to leave him—not when he wanted so badly to keep him here, even though it was clearly against his will.

“Right,” Renji said, getting up instantly, no hesitation. “I’ll see you in the morning, then.”

Byakuya didn’t trust himself to speak. He just nodded, trying not to hear the sound of his heart aching in the creak of Renji’s swiftly retreating feet on the tatami.

_He fled from me. Before dessert. I've hurt him too much, after all._

#

Renji leaned his back against the wall, catching his breath. Wow. He’d bolted like a goddamn rabbit. 

And his hands still trembled.

It was that tone, the whole ‘you made me look foolish’ line. Renji hated how much the thought of angering Byakuya had scared him, and then, not two minutes later, Byakuya had that look—the one that begged him to stay the night. How could Renji even consider it, when he was so afraid of… punishment?

“Fuck,” he whispered to himself, shaking it off. He pushed himself off the wall with a growl, and headed for the dojo. At times like this, the best thing for it was training. He’d punch something. A lot. He’d feel better for the sweat and the bruises.

Screw that. He’d go fetch Zabimaru and put in some real practice. 

#

Byakuya had changed into his evening wear when he heard sounds in the practice yard.

 _Ah, but of course_ , Byakuya thought bitterly as he looking down over the railing. _He left me for that damned Zabimaru_.

Just then, fanged steel lashed out, slashing inches from where Byakuya’s hand rested on the wood. Railing snapped and shattered as the whip blade receded with a hiss and spit.

“What the fuck?” Renji looked as surprised as Byakuya, when their eyes met in the moonlight. “Holy shit, Taicho. I didn’t see you there. I don’t know how that happened, it’s like he just—“

“It’s alright,” Byakuya cut Renji off coldly and turned to stride back into his quarters. “The feeling is mutual.”


End file.
